A Poem of Shadow~
my envious heart
I resist you
and you fight stronger
your fire burns my throat
and erects walls around my heart
you consume my thoughts
I know better
I tell myself
I know this isn’t my greatness and truth
I’m scared of the shadow
it’s unknown depths
but I sink deeper
into the darkness
until the suffering becomes unbearable
until I have no choice
but to open open open
to open and receive
all that you are with love
I open to embody you, envy
to taste your bitter breath
to smell your smokey fumes
to scratch myself on your rough surface
I no longer shield my eyes from your
red and black shattered pieces
I see all of you
I feel all of you
I embrace all of you
I love all of you
you are a part of me
and because so
you are worthy of love and acceptance
by my willingness to open
I move through you
to move forward again
relaxing into the perfection
of every blissful moment of life
I can feel you, envy
and because of that I am grateful
because of that I am human
because of that I am alive
I am love
and because of that
I can release you
thank you for this gift
I’ll be honest. If this poem has anything to say it’s that clearly I’ve had a heavy few weeks.
With the intense energy of last weeks full moon (and all that star jazz), plus the start of my moon time, so much has come up for me to let go.
I’ve felt this resistance to fully owning my shadow.
If you’re not familiar with what “shadow” I mean, I’m talking about the parts of ourselves that we’d rather not admit exist. It’s usually things we feel shame or guilt around that we hide under a mask of perfectionism, niceness and positivity. We often judge ourselves for being a “bad” person for displaying these characteristics or emotions (like jealousy, anger, or narcissism for example).
I found my heart slowly closing as I resisted my shadow more and more. I noticed an energy of irritability and a wall being build up around my heart. I felt disconnected from my community and co-workers. Patterns and beliefs I thought I had long healed were creeping back into my life (sneaky little devils!).
And my creativity and inspiration felt drained. I couldn’t write, craft, or dance. Life started feeling super thick and heavy.
My capacity to see my lessons from a greater vantage point was reduced to my own stories of victimhood and blame.
And the hardest part was the awareness of it all. The awareness that I “know better”. I should be doing better.
As the Moon’s energy got more and more intense throughout the week my anxiety started to rise. And by the full Moon I found myself in sleepless nights with a fast beating heart, and dreams that left me feeling heartbroken. It finally became too much and I surrendered to it all.
Then I reminded myself this one thing that pulled me back to reality:
No one is perfect.
The moment I gave myself permission to breathe into all the feelings that were true to me was the moment I finally started letting them go.
Life is based in duality.
They need each other to exist. How would you even know what light was if you had never seen darkness? Imagine if the Sun never set. You’d be like wtf is night?
So I shone the light on my darkness. I took a deep look at the envy, jealousy, and comparison that had been running through my mind and sent love to every bit of them. I changed the story from one of “not enough” to one of gratitude.
How beautiful it is that we are able to feel the separation of ego, so that we truly know what love and connection is like? How incredible it is to be alive and to be able to feel all the pain and all the pleasure of being human?
It doesn’t feel good to hold back love. It doesn’t feel good to compare. It doesn’t feel good to hold onto resentment. But each of these feelings have a lesson and are meant to be apart of our experience. It’s okay to feel them in order to learn and then release them.
What a gift this month has been to help me realign and revisit my self-love practice. Reintroducing me to lessons and tools that I already thought I had mastered.
Sometimes it’s when we think we have it all figured out that life throw us a test to further strengthen us and help us dive deeper into understanding what it means to choose love.
Because when we forget who we are at our core it doesn’t feel good. And the only way to course correct is to accept ourselves as we are in this moment, forgive ourselves for temporarily forgetting our greatness, and embrace the lessons the experience is trying to teach us.
That’s when we’re led back to freedom, lightness, expansion and love.
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