It’s been brought to my attention that I radiate femininity.

As much as I embrace it most days and love basking in all its free flowing, present, connective, tender and ever changing movement… sometimes my chaotic feminine energy is fucking frustrating when it comes to business or “my purpose”.

There I said it. It’s not all sunshine, glitter and rainbows.  Sometimes it’s confusing as hell to feel indecisive and have a diffused awareness. Sometimes I have ten thoughts all unrelated going on in my mind at once, or I forget to plan for the future, or I change subjects without any context or warning and leave people feeling lost.

I feel scatter brained most days and have a hard time focusing, feeling directional, and setting “tangible”goals. Creating action steps feels daunting and I have a hard time leaving the present and envisioning the future.

We live in a world that has shown us that in order to be successful we have to step into our masculine. This blueprint for success has caused me to feel a lot of resistance towards my natural feminine power and I’m only just starting to realize that it’s okay to do things a bit differently.

WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO CROSS A MEADOW IN YOUR CHAOTIC FEMININE ENERGY

Here’s a quick analogy to help those of you who need a bit more clarity around what I mean by “feminine energy”:

Imagine your dream life is a meadow.

When you’re in your feminine, getting from one side to the other doesn’t feel like a straight forward point A to point B (which I can only imagine is how it must feel for more masculine associated people).

It feels more like, “Oooh look a butterfly! Wait, what kind of flower is that? Is that a creek I hear? Mmm I smell pine trees nearby! Yummy, what delicious berries. Maybe now is a good time for a mid afternoon nap. Wait, where was I going? Oh WOW a UNICORN!!!  Right…I need to get to the other side of this meadow… eventually.”

Seriously! That’s what the feminine feels like to me sometimes. And while I’m filled with vibrant playfulness, I can also feel lost and confused.

I know that by saying this frustrates me, that there’s a huge opportunity for self-love. It’s a wake up call for me to fully embrace all that I am, even the parts of me that feel like a confusing wild hurricane.

Chaotic Feminine Energy

THE FRUSTRATION IN “BRANDING” A FEMININE FORCE

The thing that triggers this feminine frustration the most is attempting to package myself into a neat little “brand”. Which is a big deal in the entrepreneur/internet world these days. Everyone’s asking you “What’s your personal brand?”, or “What’s your niche?”. And I totally get why it’s important! You want to be able to show up in the world in a way that best represents who-you-really-are, and you want to stand out in a sea of millions of others trying to do the same. People like things that make sense.

But what if you feel like you’re constantly changing, evolving or wanting to express different parts of yourself?

That’s what the feminine feels like to me.

EVERY DAY I REINVENT MYSELF

I don’t know who I’ll be when I wake up in the morning. It all depends on how I feel.

Am I going to feel like a sexy goddess and want to exude my sexual power and wear something red that calls for attention that makes me feel passionate and intimidating?

Or will I feel sweet and innocent and want to go bare face and put on a floor length flowy skirt with flowers in my hair, and feel called to smile brightly at every person that crosses my path that day?

Or maybe I’ll feel tough and want to compete with the boys. I’ll throw on my sneakers and baggy jeans, allowing profanity to escape my lips while beating all of them at Mario Kart 64 (using Princess Peach of course).

The weird thing is that this doesn’t feel like an identity crisis. In fact ALL of these versions of me feel true and authentic. To ask me to pick just one version of myself and “brand” that, feels like a cage that society tries to put people in to make things less confusing for everyone. There’s some sort of perceived control then so that life doesn’t feel so unpredictable.

Chaotic Feminine Energy

HOW DO YOU CATEGORIZE THE EVER-CHANGING?

Humans are complex, and intricate beings. I learned a cool word at book club the other day that touches on this subject:

“Sonder”- meaning the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Which is mind blowing when you actually think about it. A few labels don’t even begin to sum us up in all our full expression.

But the human brain LOVES categorizing everything. Look at how we make sense of different species in Biology. Or how we’re forced to choose a major to study in Post Secondary School (if you actually went to Post Secondary school. I skipped University which had a lot to do with not being able to pick just one focus… shocking!).

I’m not trying to say that we should live in an uncategorized world. I think it’s wonderful for science and a whole bunch of other topics. It makes communicating to each other a whole lot easier. But I feel like categorizing people only creates separation and judgment.

When it comes to branding, how does telling someone that they have to choose just one aspect of themselves to show to the world truly help anyone? It only sets limitations on the work or creative expression that they can give to the world- robbing everyone of the magic that only that one person can share.

We end up neglecting parts of ourselves that could make us feel dynamic, whole, and rich with depth and character. We feel held back and compressed into a tiny box that is only labeled with a select few things that don’t even begin to truly capture our entire essence.

I WANT TO BE IT ALL

I feel like life gets tricky when you are interested in so many different things and are constantly changing your mind. And the problem for me is not that I can’t find something I like, it’s that there’s too many directions that I want to go in. So why not try and explore all that I can?

Maybe you’ve noticed I’ve touched on a wide variety of seemingly unrelated  topics. From fashion to emotional processing. Or creative inspiration to sacred moon “hippy” rituals. I’ve even written about dancing in my underpants in front of large crowds. And all of them feel true to me and my life, but might not fit into a nice neat package for the world to categorize.

And guess what, I decided I’m going to have to be okay with that. That’s going to be the first step in embracing my chaotic feminine nature. It’s okay not to fit into a logical box.

EMBRACING CONSTANT CHANGE AND CHAOS

I change my mind a lot. I change my style daily. I feel sensitive and emotional over a lot of really random stuff, and I have a hard time finishing things that I’ve started (books, courses, art projects, etc.).

But I’m putting down the sword and letting go of the constant fight against this part of me. It’s going to have to be okay because it’s what feels most authentic. I’m tired of hating this part of myself and I’m choosing to bring it into the loving light.

Maybe being overly feminine is some sort of super power I have…who knows. I’ll definitely be exploring this in the years to come. Sometimes we fight against the thing within ourselves that is actually our biggest gift to the world.

I know that this part of me also allows me to connect easily with others, enjoy carefree relaxation, create from a place of curiosity, and find playfulness and fun in a lot of situations. I feel sensual, alive, and present. I notice the little things and find magic everywhere.

So while, yes, there’s chaos and change, but there’s also freedom, creativity and flow.

THE WORLD NEEDS ALL OF YOU

So what are you fighting within yourself that is aching for your love and acceptance? What part of you have you’ve been hiding from the world because it doesn’t make sense, or isn’t “on brand”? Maybe you fear you’ll be “too much” or “not enough”. What part of your soul needs to be expressed to feel whole and complete?

Don’t be shy because the world needs all of you. It’s scary as hell I know, but when we go first we open up the space for others to come out of hiding too. And when we can accept ourselves as we are, we can accept others as they are too. Which only creates a more loving, open-minded, and transparent world to live in.

Stay Beautiful,

Amy Meraki

 

 

 

Amy Meraki

Photos by Unsplash

Red Dress photo by Alex Glua