I don’t know about you, but most people I’m close with had one hell of a year.
I would love to sit here and paint a picture perfect year of magical lessons and rainbows and unicorns and glitter (those things are totes my jam), but in all honesty, it was a rough one. Butterflies are about all I got for you in this story. Oh and some sparkly gold…
Of course there is so much to celebrate, but I also want to be transparent and authentic. Which means that most of my perfect lessons came in the most imperfect moments.
If 2015 was all about transformation and creating massive shifts in my life, then 2016 has been all about learning to let go.
LETTING GO OF WHAT I THOUGHT I KNEW
As I started to transform my life last year, I felt fully supported and surrounded by the right people.
Moving into the new year I went through a break in my relationship and it led me back down a road of heartbreak.
I wondered if I would be able to survive the unknown. I felt ashamed for being in this position and started to isolate myself instead of turning to my community for support. I felt ashamed because I thought I “should know better and know what to do”. I thought I had done the work, that I “shouldn’t be feeling this way”.
I started to doubt everything I had been learning on my spiritual path. I felt alone. I started feeling stressed, anxious and isolated from the community I had worked so hard to connect with.
But like everything we go through, it served a purpose.
I didn’t know it at the time, but cocooning was exactly what I needed to continue to the next stage of metamorphosis.
This experienced humbled me. I discovered it’s okay and necessary to revisit lessons we’ve already learned and practice what we’ve already practiced.
During these months of grief, I learned to take really good care of myself….again.
I knew that my body was going through a lot of stress. I felt sensitive to energies and needed a lot of alone time to process.
I unfortunately also developed adrenal fatigue. Making me feel cranky, disconnected, short-fused, and exhausted. So I invested in naturopathic healing and herbs.
I also got hella serious about quality “me-time”.
For six months I practiced what I called Self-Care Sundays and had a daily morning and evening ritual to help me focus on self-love and keep my head above the water.
Each Sunday was fully devoted to loving myself and surrendering to my journey.
I would leave the phone on airplane mode and set up a sacred ritual space. From here I would only take inspired action. This often looked like praying, dancing, creating, feeling, meditating, self-reflecting, studying, and connecting to the Divine.
I began to learn to channel my own inner wisdom through Source when I needed it most.
My intention became connecting to my internal compass, and connecting to my purpose. During this deep dive into myself, I learned to truly tap into the microscopic inspirations of my soul, and listen moment to moment what I needed to move forward.
I took this time to start studying things that interested me. I felt lost in the direction I wanted my creative work to go, but I felt fueled by my heartbreak to focus on my uncovering my path and focus on making myself happy.
I started studying online marketing and business, pagan magic, energy work, creativity, manifestation, and sacred sexuality.
I followed the bread crumbs. Clues left by my soul to help me uncover what’s next.
LETTING GO OF WHAT NO LONGER SERVED ME
It was during this time I saw clearly that in order for new beginnings to emerge, I would also have to let go of what was no longer serving me.
I purged over half of my belongings.
I quit my business making crochet bikinis.
With so much space created in my life, I created a void. The Universe then filled that vacuum with an influx of inspiration that led me deeper down my path of healing.
I committed to taking inspired action and followed the white rabbit down the hole.
LETTING GO OF MASKS AND CONTROL
After five months of navigating the depths of my soul and creating space for newness to emerge, I felt that I was ready to reach out for support again.
I soon found myself in a “classroom” (read: group therapy) taking Conscious Relationships, Tantra, and Shadow Work training with a local transpersonal therapist who has been facilitating these teachings for over 30 years.
What did this look like? Learning forgiveness, inner child work, taking back projections, and observing our judgments. Also exploring our fears, our shame, and our guilt.
We got out of our minds and into our bodies and emotions often.
We practices meditations, breath work, and different processes with a partner called dyads.
Basically… we learned to be seen FULLY and tell our truth.
But more importantly we learned to love and be loved in our darkness so that it could be alchemized into our light.
This is also around the same time that my partner and I got back together. We created a container to explore this work together with the guidance of our teacher.
For the next four months I worked weekly on learning to express the parts of myself I’d rather not admit exist for them to be released, reclaimed, and integrated. I needed to learn to love these parts, so that they no longer had power over me, preventing me from shining my light and loving fully.
During this deep healing, I began the process of releasing emotional trauma stored in my body, and got used to speaking my truth and being seen in my shadow. Which included expressing anger, insecurity, and setting boundaries.
Maybe you can relate? Often as women we are taught to be agreeable. We are taught to put others needs before our own and sacrifice our own desires to keep the peace.
We can convince ourselves we are being compassionate and understanding, when truthfully we are self-sacrificing and bottling up how we truly feel.
Our anger serves a purpose. It teaches us when our boundaries have been crossed.
It’s when we ignore it that it becomes dangerous. A lot of women mask their anger as sadness and when it gets shoved down repeatedly it can manifest as passive aggressiveness, resentment, or inappropriate bursts of rage hurting those around us.
I learned that it is a natural stage of the grief cycle (and of life) and that in order to complete the cycle we must go through it without judging ourselves or projecting it onto others.
LETTING GO OF A SIGNIFICANT LOVE RELATIONSHIP
In the Summer, Jordan and I made the mutual decision that we were both ready to transition our love into platonic friendship. We had truly done our best and given it our all. Both of us has had an extremely difficult year but had grown in ways that were unimaginable.
Our breakup came with it’s challenges but after this year’s growth I was feeling much more grounded and whole. I wasn’t left feeling broken like I had felt at the start of the year.
But it wasn’t necessarily smooth. We did our best to navigate the space we needed to heal before feeling complete in our romantic relationship and being able to reconnect as platonic friends. This might be hard for some people to grasp, but I assure you it can be done with an open heart and a willingness from both people.
Just because a romantic relationship has ended, does not mean that it was a failure or that the love disappears.
I learned so much about myself, and had the experience of exploring what conscious relating and deep love looks like with another human.
For that I will always be grateful. I feel blessed to have him as a healing partner on my journey and still have the utmost love and respect for him.
LETTING GO OF MY SUFFERING
Now onto the gold…
As you may have noticed this year got into some deep waters for me. But don’t worry, it’s ending on a high note.
I want to celebrate all the beauty and goodness that came out of this trying time.
For the last few months I’ve finally starting to see that a beautiful butterfly is emerging.
I feel alive, radiant, and inspired most of my days.
I feel connected to my community and have deep meaningful friendships with both men and women.
I am involved in a weekly women’s circle and feel empowered to show up as all of myself.
I can acknowledge myself for being willing to look at the parts of myself most people would rather not look at. It’s when I had the courage to reclaim them, express them, and love them that I could evolve.
I remembered to still PLAY this year. It was incredibly important for me to find balance between purification and pleasure as I went through this process.
I feel so grateful for the exciting adventures that were had with the most incredibly friends. Including vacationing, houseboating, dance parties, and travels. Yes there was a lot of challenges…but holy shit was there also a lot of good times!
(My Bestie and I at the Self-Realization Meditation Gardens in Encinitas, California)
I celebrate that because I created the space to truly dive deep into who I am and what I desire, that I am now on the path of giving my gifts to the world through coaching others.
This has lead me to study at the Tantric Institute of Integrated Sexuality with Layla Martin for the next year. Helping me better serve you to step into your power through self-expression, self-love, and sacred sexuality.
Lately life has been pretty fucking amazing and in flow! Magic is happening all around me. The perfect people are appearing at the perfect time. Sometimes it just takes a bit a reflection to connect the dots backwards.
So I just want to leave you with this if you have had a rough year…
Maybe you saw a part of yourself in my story. We are never alone in our experiences, no matter how much it may feel that way sometimes.
Trust the process. There is a way through. Trust that you are being guiding towards your purpose and your healing. Everything is going to be okay and you will be rebirthed into a more radiant and alive version of yourself that you might not be able to imagine right now. And that’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. Love where you are at. There is something for you to take away at every stage.
But you have to be willing to go through the shadows and let go of what is no longer working.
I know this because I’ve been there. And if you find yourself needing guidance on your journey and you feel a pull to reach out to me, please do. I am here to help.
Sending you love and blessings for the New Year full of infinite possibilities!
Header photo from Unsplash edited by me